flow sweetly, hang heavy.

2011-03-02T21:58:00.001-08:00

what do I do when I realize that I'm ready to leave my old life behind- pick up, move and settle down?

how do I support myself when I can't pay for childcare for my son so I can work?

how do I fix basic incompatibilities with my baby's father? talking? is there anything I haven't said already?

how can I truly love my partner when I can't convince myself to trust him?

what do I do when I become almost certain that the man I have a child with is not the man I'm supposed to end up with?

how do I get un-stuck?

Just to clarify:

2010-08-30T12:05:00.001-07:00

In the past, I've caught myself saying "My life would be perfect if I fell in love with another man and Nolan came along a few years down the road."

Today's the day that I remind myself of a few things. If I fell in love with another man and we had a baby, he could've left me. Even if he stayed, he could've been a terrible father. Any number of things could have gone wrong.

Today's the day that I remind myself that if Nolan happened 5 years later, he wouldn't be my Nolan. It would be a different sperm. Meeting a different egg. If I got pregnant at any other time in my life, other an May 21st, 2009, my baby would still be my baby. But he wouldn't be my Nolan. No other man could've given me my Nolan.

I'm one of the luckiest women in the entire world. I have a partner that stayed by my side. I have a partner that supports me. Nolan has a terrific father. And we, as parents, have the most beautiful, amazing baby in the world. Instead of complaining about anything, I should thank God for blessing me in such a way- a way that so many people will never understand.

I love my family. You are the best part of me.

2010-08-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

Dear god, I'm trying hard to reach you. Dear god, I see your face in all I do. Sometimes it's so hard to believe in, good god, I know you have your reasons. Dear god, I see you move the mountains. Dear god, I see you moving trees. Sometimes it's nothing to believe in, sometimes it's everything I see.

Well I've been thinking about, and I've been breaking it down without an answer. I know I'm thinking aloud but if your loves still around why do we suffer? Why do we suffer?

Dear god, I wish that I could touch you. How strange, sometimes I feel I almost do. And then I'm back behind the glass again. Oh god, what keeps you out it keeps me in.

2010-08-25T19:11:00.001-07:00

If I only speak when spoken to, I'll never say another word. If I need to feel reassured of my beauty, I'll be waiting forever (it's been 3 weeks and 3 days). If I need help, I need to learn to help myself. If I need physical intimacy, I should know better by now.

If I feel unsure or sad about where my life is going, I need to get over it already.

2010-07-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

I'm dying for a little romance.

2010-07-12T17:57:00.001-07:00

Jesus don't love me. No one ever carried my load. I'm too young to feel this old.

2010-07-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Last night, we were watching Everybody Loves Raymond. Someone on the show had mentioned that a couple should never go to sleep angry. I looked at Steve and said "Let's never go to sleep angry again". Amy chimed in "You two go to sleep mad!?" and Steve said "We go to sleep angry every night" and I agreed. So again, I said "Let's promise to never go to sleep angry again" while holding my hand out.

Steve said:

"No. I don't want to have to stay up with you until 4:30 when I have work in the morning".

This is why things will never be good.

2010-05-21T06:52:00.001-07:00

being pregnant was the most exciting time of my life. I wish I actually had an enjoyable pregnancy, though.

sometimes I wish I could go back. I hope that next time, it's a mutually exciting thing.

My Love.

2010-02-16T06:42:00.000-08:00

2010-02-15T00:21:00.000-08:00

I keep trying to figure out just what I've done in my life to deserve such a blessing. God only knows. I've spent 19 out of my 21 years without a valentine. This year I have two.

And how I love them.

Nolan Stephen Stone

2010-02-08T19:16:00.000-08:00

When I look at my son, I just want to cry because I feel like I can't handle just how much I love him. Everything in the past, however bad, leading up to this point is now something I can smile about, knowing that this is how things ended up.

happy birthday, angel.
February 7th, 2010
11:33 a.m.
7 lb 12 oz
20.5 inches

2010-01-28T22:05:00.000-08:00

I can't stand that after this my body will no longer be desirable by most men's standards.

2009-12-17T05:47:00.000-08:00

All I want is my son.

2009-11-04T08:02:00.000-08:00

Nolan? Nolan. Nolan. Nolan. Nolan. Nolan. Nolan. Nolan. Nolan. Nolan. Nolan. Nolan. Nolan.

Sia - Breathe Me

2009-10-11T22:06:00.000-07:00

In two days, I'll be moving back to Lincoln Park. The goodbye I'll say to Bloomingdale on Wednesday will be bittersweet and ambivalent. I know this place isn't suitable for a baby. I know there's places where my landlord won't be so awful. I know I'll be able to sleep through a full night at my new apartment without the sound constant traffic. Yet I know my new apartment won't hold the memories this one does, the memories of my friends and my decreased inhibitions, my naive, most times irresponsible choices of the past year. A new home for a new life. Two new lives. I feel like this transition would be exponentially easier for me if I were certain of what I'm getting myself into. But the truth is- I have no idea.

I wish I had a somewhat sturdy foundation to build upon. Ironically, I've never felt alone like this before (although I can't help but feel like I've written this exact sentence at least once before in this journal). What's ironic is that I'll probably never actually be alone again, seeing as I'm "with child". Me with child. Not me alone.

My former life has gone on without me. I'm not on the guest list of social events among those I once considered a significant part of my life. Trading in one set of company for another. My family. My son. I feel like I could suffocate from the words in my mouth that I can't articulate to those around me now- the things I have a hard time accepting, the undying desire to go back and do certain things differently, the severe loneliness I selfishly can't help but feel.

I can't be content with the passionless existence I live now. I need to first re-convince myself that it's not too much to want to feel wanted. I deserve to feel satisfied and supported. But our son deserves an uncomplicated life with two parents. Two parents together, not two parents apart. So, in the end, what's more important? I'm so scared that if things continue the way they are, I'll be emotionally incapable of providing my son with a truly happy mother - something that EVERY child deserves. I'm sick to my stomach with the fear that I'll be a bad mother. Next to a healthy baby, I hope more than anything that my happiness in this area of my life can coincide with doing what's best for my child.

I want a healthy baby.
I want a healthy relationship.
I want a healthy attitude.

2009-10-05T15:03:00.001-07:00

I can't wait to expose my son to Labyrinth.

21 weeks, 4 days.

2009-10-05T06:05:00.001-07:00

It's hard to understand how I can love someone so much without even having met him yet.

And yeah. It's a him.

2009-09-26T16:33:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I'm feeling everything at once or nothing at all.

2009-09-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

I'm trying so hard to figure out how to deal with the changes in my life without letting it eat away at my self esteem. Just can't help but feel completely unwanted, unloved, unattractive, and unappreciated. I can't even stand to be touched anymore.

2009-08-28T14:13:00.001-07:00

when it rains it pours and if you're going to get wet, you might as well go swimming.

14 weeks, 2 days.

2009-08-14T23:04:00.000-07:00

After a brief scare last Monday, my mom and I got a chance to see the baby via emergency ultrasound (for the 3rd time). I went to my doctor and laid back for the routine heartbeat Doppler assessment at the end of the appointment. After a few minutes of trying to find a heartbeat, to no avail, the doctor sent me upstairs for an ultrasound to make sure that the baby is doing alright. Once there, the doctor located his tiny body right away. Turns out he was sleeping under my pelvic bone so the Doppler wasn't strong enough to pick up the heartbeat. Not even 4 months old and already being a troublemaker.

The Monday before last, we went for a nuchal translucency screening to test for Downs Syndrome. The baby needed to be positioned a certain way and he ended up keeping the nurses and doctor waiting while he casually decided to switch positions over an hour later. Just like his mother, the kid sure likes his sleep.

(also, "he" being a generic pronoun. sex is still unknown until the 20th week, although my gut tells me it is, in fact, a boy.)

I'm having a hard time thinking of names I like for boys, outside of Ezra. For girls, I'm falling in love with Marlena (Frankie Valli and the 4 Seasons : Marlena. So adorable) and Nora. Still thinking, though.

My belly has gotten significantly rounder over the past two weeks. I'm excited to finally be getting out of the not-big-enough-to-look-pregnant/just-big-enough-to-look-fatter stage. I'm also pretty excited for maternity pants. Try a pair on. You'd love them too.

Ultrasound Pictures: 12 weeks 5 days. August 3rd, 2009.

armless baby?

not armless baby. :)

2009-08-11T23:20:00.000-07:00

I'm so nervous about the world I'm bringing my baby into.

2009-08-05T21:34:00.001-07:00

you will never understand.

2009-08-01T11:48:00.001-07:00

I need you so much closer.

2009-07-31T12:03:00.001-07:00

In the end, what does it really matter?

2009-07-30T20:59:00.000-07:00

make me a medical transcriptionist. I think I could be good at that.

2009-07-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

I guess I'll just keep moving. Some day, maybe, I'll get to where I'm going.

2009-07-21T05:46:00.000-07:00

The panic is really setting in now.

2009-07-20T21:38:00.001-07:00

I don't know why I put so much emphasis on talking. I can't think of a time where talking ever helped anything.

2009-07-19T09:12:00.000-07:00

I hope that lately I've just been feeling under the weather because I'm actually sick. I hope that morning sickness hasn't started mid week 10 for me.

2009-07-16T13:03:00.001-07:00

Any and all of my friends that do not support my decision to keep this baby can swiftly see their way out of my life. I don't want to hear your opinion.

2009-07-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

I've seen my baby for the first time today. The little fingers and toes waving and kicking. I can't even begin to explain how it feels.

2009-07-14T12:51:00.000-07:00

9 weeks, 5 days. I don't see much of a difference in my belly just yet, but I can feel that my pants are a little tighter. I sleep about 12-13 hours a day and I still feel exhausted when I do little things like go out to the store. But I refuse to complain about anything, since these first 10 weeks have been exponentially easier than I'd ever imagine, having only actually thrown up once. Maybe the normality is what makes it so hard for me to appreciate the enormity of the situation, but tomorrow is our first ultrasound and I think that'll be a hit of reality in itself.

I just got back from the doctor and, as I suspected, I have tonsillitis again. So far, that's the fourth time in 5 months. I can't take the steroids that he normally prescribes because of the pregnancy, so hopefully the amoxicillin can knock it out on it's own, in a timely manner.

2009-07-09T22:40:00.001-07:00

sometimes I wish the world would just end so that way I can die without my mom having to pay my school loans back for me.

2009-07-08T23:23:00.001-07:00

I try not to feel bad for myself too often.

But I know I deserve better.

2009-07-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

There's this burn in my stomach and there's pain in my side and when I kneel at the toilet and the mornings clean light pours in through the window, sometimes I pray I don't die. I'm a goddamn hypocrite. But then night rolls around and it all starts making sense. There's no right way or wrong way, you've just got to live and so I do what I do and at least I exist.

What could mean more than this?

2009-06-14T10:52:00.000-07:00

It's one thing to feel alone. It's another to actually be completely alone.

And when the two mix, it's overwhelmingly terrible. And this time, there is no easy way out.

wake up, wake up now.

2009-06-02T22:01:00.001-07:00

My God in heaven, what were we thinking?

2009-05-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

I want to grab your shoulders, shake you and tell you I love you. When I think of someone else, it's immediately followed by the fact that I'm convinced that I wouldn't be as happy with anyone else. I love that you put up with my bullshit with a smile on your face. I love that we live together. I'm rarely more excited than the 15 minutes before you get home from work because I've missed you all day long. I love that we know each other so intimately. I love being able to look at you while you sleep next to me. I love knowing that your face will be the last I see every night before I sleep and the first I see when I wake in the morning.

I like your looks when you get mean. I know I shouldn’t say so but when you claw me like a cat, I’m beaming. I like the way you squeeze my hand, pulling me into another dream. A lucid dream. Hurry to talk. From far away, I can see you, you curl your fists and you pull your hair. When we’re alone, I wanna say "let’s just stay in, no one’s here in our apartment, babe". Our breaths get wind back to the time when we were green.

I know we have changed but I still grin cause I can’t wait to see you.

2009-05-21T17:45:00.000-07:00

people never change. nothing ever changes.

2009-05-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

In a dream, I'm a different me. With a perfect you. We fit perfectly. For once in my life, I feel complete.

And I still want to ruin it.

2009-05-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

I won't stand for being talked down to. My friends are far from stupid. I refuse to tolerate condescension, regardless of how prestigious a school you went to. You look and act like total idiots, and unfortunately, no school can teach you tact. Your manors are disgusting and the arrogance you emit is enough to make me physically ill.

2009-04-08T09:04:00.000-07:00

Steve has moved in (for the most part).
It's snowing in April.
I want to be back in California. Pronto.
Nothing is interesting, I'm always bored.
I painted the apartment which makes this place a little more bearable.
I start back up at my job again next week. So long, unemployment. It's been fun.

2009-03-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

Just calm down, I'm always around.

2009-02-15T14:18:00.001-08:00

2009-01-08T21:41:00.001-08:00

wipeout.

2008-12-22T07:29:00.001-08:00

I'm happy.

2008-12-13T06:51:00.000-08:00

Any progress I think I'm making is a joke. The truth is I spend months thinking I'm getting better when, in reality, it's just a few good days strung together. Nothing ever gets better and nothing ever changes. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't want to be the person I've become.

Nothing Gets Crossed Out.

2008-11-06T21:25:00.000-08:00

I always had this idea in my head that I was so different from everyone else. Not once had I felt like I fit in to any kind of stereotype or any kind of mindset. My mind used to work in dollars, cents, theology and philosophy. I'd been plagued by mood swings since before I hit puberty and I always figured that it was all just landmarks on the path to somewhere different. Since before I could remember, I'd been terrified of office jobs and the idea of waking up dreading work.

I knew that in some way, I was meant for something bigger than most other people I would meet. Every once in a while I get that same feeling. But now all the grace I once had is gone. Nothing about me is enviable and instead of waking up dreading work, I wake up dreading the day in it's entirety; like I'm a piece of glass with a tiny dent that will eventually, inevitably, crack into something irreparable.

Now I try to hide behind my meaningless job that's slipping through my clumsy fingers or in the artificial night of my bedroom. I've become terrified of the possible happiness that each dawn brings because I now understand that the higher I get, the harder it hurts when I hit bottom again. Both literally and metaphorically. How many holes do I have to put in this brain before it becomes something entirely different?

I hate that I must sound like a broken record, but the truth is that I can't and won't write when I'm feeling well. I'm sorry. I fuel this fire by immersing myself in depressing songs, making lists of everything I won't do and thinking about the woman I will never become. Tomorrow I'll read this and delete it once I'm feeling better.

The truth is, mom and dad, that I can't satisfy your requirements for daughter of the year and that kills me more than you'll ever know. I can't even satisfy my own goals, or complete lack thereof.

So when I'm lost in a crowd, I hope that you'll pick me out. Oh, how I long to be found. The grass grew high. I laid down. Now I wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand. I have been laying so low, I don't want to lay here no more. But if everything that happens is supposed to be and it is predetermined, can't change your destiny, then I guess I'll just keep moving, someday, maybe, I'll get to where I'm going.

2008-09-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING

2008-09-10T19:54:00.001-07:00

I only recently noticed that I can't cry anymore. I can't feel anything. I know I feel like I should be upset. But I can't feel it. Christ, I can't even remember what's happening.

If I knew this would happen, I never would have slept with him. Down and out for 5.

If I knew this would happen, I never would have gone down. But I'll go again.

This is my life. And I always knew it would be this way.

Listen to Sigur Ros-Untitled 5. You'll understand.

If you read any of this, I don't want to know.

2008-07-05T13:07:00.000-07:00

I've spent a month now in my new apartment. I miss home a little less every day.

2008-05-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

I'm having trouble breathing. and I'm having trouble coping. I'm having trouble accepting that this is my life, however vague that may seem.

If my life is going to be work and money; completely materialistic, I don't want it. and that's my decision.

I just don't know how to get by.

whatever.

2008-04-09T22:50:00.001-07:00

I forget what my bare chest looked like. and I owe Jack 300 dollars. Thanks again, Jack, for allowing me the funds to make the most painful
mistake of my adult life to date. Interest free.

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw. I'm in the prime of my life.
Lets make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.
This is our decision to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now lets have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do?
Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?

I felt something changing the world. Like a new constitution.

2008-02-10T01:08:00.000-08:00

Its 4 in the morning and there's an uncomfortable amount of activity in the streets. There's a thick sheet of fog. There's far more cars on the road than normal. There's someone creeping up and down my street in a Chevy Tahoe. There's groups of kids walking around the block. I never see that, even in broad daylight. Everyone's porch lights are on. There's a strange light in my car, of which I cannot find the source. There's a car blasting its music and my neighbors are continually waking up.

WAKE UP.

is this wrong?

2008-02-09T21:08:00.001-08:00

Vines at the Bowery

2008-01-30T11:58:00.001-08:00

My birthday is on February 17th. This coincides with the Vines tickets for the Bowery going on sale. If anyone feels the urge to buy me 2, don't hesitate. I'll take them. Thank you.

who gives a fuck about an oxford comma?

2008-01-30T06:06:00.000-08:00

2008-01-27T13:12:00.000-08:00

someone stole an assault rifle from the Wayne Police Station. it's still missing.

No Title

2008-01-09T04:32:00.000-08:00

This mornings dawn sky was such a mesmerizing shade of red that I can't help but speculate that God is real and disaster is more than imminent.

best commercial ever?

2008-01-09T00:21:00.000-08:00

Good job, monster.com. After this commercial, I will forever utilize your services for my future job endeavors.

2007-12-28T22:48:00.000-08:00

can someone explain what this means to me?

client new york city shoot 12.11.07

2007-12-11T15:52:00.000-08:00

2007-12-11T14:42:00.000-08:00

I heard you wrote that record for a girl you loved but died. I'm here sewing mine together just hoping your alive. and I know you'll never come back now to the world where people are because you never understood what we loved you for. But I try to breathe in meaning to every gasp of air and I know you did the same thing for as long as you could bare. And I guess everything just circles round to where it was before so I hope to see her soon in some other form.

Thanks for..

2007-11-22T02:05:00.000-08:00

So since it's technically the one day a year where everyone in America is encouraged to appreciate the good in their lives, I thought it'd be appropriate to make a list of things I'm thankful for, such as:

-My mother, father and brothers.
-Robin. you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place.
-Ricardo getting out of the navy safely.
-My new, big, comfortable and quiet bed.
-My job.
-Canon 20D.
-Having access to all the studio equipment.
-Accutane.
-Remaining sane on accutane.
-Not having to wash my hair for days at a time because of the accutane.
-My increasing ability to hold my liquor.
-My 50% raise because I am, verbatim, "awesome".
-My new car, even though I miss my old..olds.

I was never any good at math, anyway.

2007-11-21T01:26:00.000-08:00

I'm not me anymore. I haven't been in some time.

Last night I had a dream where I'm standing in the front of a huge room with a big black board in front of me. I've got this very long, very difficult math problem that I've got to begin to think about solving. To my left and right are hundreds of people working on a similar problem, with different variables. Even if I can't solve mine right away, I'm okay with that, as long as I'm working towards something. I've got my chalk and space of the board, but my section is so unorganized from the residue of the the chalk from trying other ways to solve the problem that by now, I can barely comprehend what I'm writing down. I was so sure that I'd been on the right path the last time that now, even if I am, I'm afraid that I'm not. All I see is vague writing that I've tried to erase which makes working on this problem much more difficult to concentrate on.
I'm at the point where I can't tell a 6 from an 8 or a 5 from a 2.
I can either press the chalk harder against the board or I can take the time to try and clean it. If I make my marks darker, I'll be able to get by without being distracted by the busyness of my past mistakes, but if I screw up, I'll never be able to erase what I've done completely. But if I clean my board, I risk falling behind and losing my opportunity to take into account, first hand, what my peers are doing to solve their problems. I could very well also lose the remnants of my old work, which very well may have been in the right direction to begin with. I'm so lost and confused that I feel like taking my desk, throwing it into the board and giving up.

I don't know what to do. I never know what to do.

Fill your hands with something tangible

2007-11-18T22:43:00.000-08:00

I was driving home from Boonton around 1:3o this morning and it began to snow. The first snow of the season (for me, at least. I hadn't been up for the prior flurries last week). I was so taken back by the sight of it, like I hadn't seen snow falling before. Then I realized that snow means moving slower and backups and delays. What's so great about snow, anyway.

Every once in a while, I really look forward to driving alone. I always get to drive alone to work and to school and to run most of my errands, except for my middle of the night errands that Robin accompanies me for. But when the roads are dead and everyone else is sleeping, I feel like I'm so relaxed that if I relax any more than I already am, I could die; as if I'd let go of whatever force keeps my heart beating. Nothing in the world is comparable to feeling this way.

Tonight I played some obscure bright eyes tracks that I'd loved at various stages of my life to get myself ready for the show tomorrow. I can't remember what song I was listening to, but something happened and I still can't figure out how to interpret it.

A friend once told me "If you're going to get wet, you might as well go swimming."
This, in a nutshell, is the order in which my mind progressed.

This world is fucking beautiful. Not necessarily the people in it, but the way other people interpret this beauty and realize that they, too, will eventually be alright. There's too many things to see. But it's only worth it when other people appreciate it also.
-I used to love the snow. Why can't I appreciate it now? Why was it so wonderful when I was 9 and not now, at 19?
-Life is so fast. Why is everybody in such a hurry? I know there's time restraints on practically everything; work, school.. because people manage their lives by time. But no one ever just chills out.
- My life is not over, however convinced I am that it is.
-I think I'm okay with that.

Forgive, don't forget, be honest, love one another and keep your eyes open.

I look at everyone. I see through everyone. I see people with problems I can't even imagine and I see people whose lives are nothing less than enviable. I think about myself and how horrible I perceive things to be and how I emphasize the wrong and ignore the important. How can I expect to get into SVA failing all four classes at Ramapo? What am I supposed to make of my life if I can't even compose myself enough to get a degree?

I miss being a little kid. I miss getting excited over the snow. I hate to think that the most exciting part of high school was waiting for college. Everything used to be so colorful, even if I wasn't. I used to be so hopeful and healthy. I always wanted to grow up and everything went by so fast. Now that I'm grown up, I don't know what to do with myself. I need to get my life back on track, and in order to do this, I have a few things to straighten out.

I need to:
-Allow myself to feel an emotion without immersing myself in it foolishly, whether it be sadness or infatuation.
-Keep from feeling overwhelmed.
-Work towards a portfolio an art school couldn't reject.
-Keep my priorities straight without losing sight of things I enjoy.
-Work towards becoming healthy. If the doctor is worried, I should be worried, too.
-Lose 20 pounds, which is hardly my first priority.
-Work towards something I can be proud of.
-Suppress my vulnerability and self consciousness. I'm a pretty girl.
-Realize that the past is the past and it will not come back. The best I can do is work towards understanding what I found enjoyable and try to find it again in the future.
-Surround myself with people I can learn from who are honest, faithful, knowledgeable and interesting.
-Stop investing so much of myself into other people.
-Work towards $1000/paycheck.
-Figure out what I enjoy and do it more often, which is much harder than it seems.
-Stick out the accutane. It's 1/3 over.
-Get over it. People change. There's others out there.

If I can do these things, I think I might make it out alright.

let's talk about sex, baby.

2007-11-06T22:36:00.000-08:00

I wonder if theres a link between acne and a lack of sexual stimulation/release. Look at any sexually frustrated teenagers face. The link seems undeniable. And it's probably just a slippery slope because if you're breaking out from not being sexual, then you're just going to break out more, further preventing you from releasing said sexual tension. Maybe a hormonal imbalance? Maybe when your hormones freak out and you begin to think that even the arm of that chair across the room is looking sexy, those same hormones could be controlling everything else down to the amount of oil your face produces. In which case, that's really shitty. Both acne and sex hormones begin to become apparent around puberty, which suggests a correlation to me. As widely stated and known, I've taken a vow of abstinence, in all forms, in effect since June of this year. My face was looking really great prior to then. I've since subdued every sexual urge I've had, and as a 19 year old, this is sometimes really difficult, but most of the time it's not too bad. Coincidentally, this is hands down the worst breakout I've had to date. Not even my goddamn accutane is clearing this shit up. Makeup won't cover it, I go to school and work and my social life is non-existent because I am actually embarrassed. It's pretty ridiculous. But at the same time, all sexual encounters I've experienced have left me feeling pretty shitty and worthless in regards to myself, my life, and well..generally everything. So I told myself that I would stay abstinent until I found someone that I actually really care about (shut up), which is.. not often, to say the least, as you all probably already know. I am a bitch and I am really difficult to get along with sometimes and until someone can handle and calm that part of me, they don't deserve the better part of me, to vaguely quote Ms. Monroe. Both skin oil levels and sex hormones are controlled by the pituitary gland. So..if my theory is correct, what are my options? Give up my morals to clear my face or become physically unattractive just to save some self loathing?

In all probability my theory is completely ridiculous anyway.

2007-11-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

The Problem with New Jersey state schools

2007-11-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

As we all have heard, a Boonton Township student of Rowan University named Donald Farrell was brutally attacked and, moreover, killed at 9 P.M. on Saturday, October 27th. Farrell was walking in a relatively (or so thought) secure part of my former campus, and I can attest first hand to this. In being Rowan University's homecoming weekend, campus security was at it's height that Saturday. Now, across a single street, Bowe Boulevard, were the Beau Rivage Apartment complex where most students attended parties most Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. Farrell, walking away from the Beau Apartments towards his residence in the Triad on-campus apartments, where he was approached by a group of men asking for directions to a party. One of the men beat, robbed and eventually killed Farrell.

I want to move away from this story for a second to talk about MY experiences at Rowan University.
Thankfully, I've never had any problems with anyone at Rowan, but from the stories I've heard, I was smart enough to never go anywhere alone after dark, especially being that my dorm was next to the infamous "rape trail"; a hidden route that lead behind a nearby lake which cut walking time in half for students looking to get across campus quicker. Every time a crime was committed on campus, it was standard that all students receive and e-mail informing them of what happened and who to look out for if the assailants hadn't been found. The messages started coming more frequently, and the kids mugging people and trying to steal cars were never, and I mean never, caught. God damn, those boys were sly. And here's the controversial part. All of the suspects in every on-campus crime were 18-21 year old black males. This really bothers me. I'm not trying to sound racists, but this is a slap-in-the-face, undeniable trend that needs to be investigated.

I know little about the EOF (educational opportunity fund) program being implemented in other state schools, but at Rowan, there were more than a few students that felt this program was, all in all, bullshit. The idea of EOF sounds great, it's a state-run operation that gives underprivileged [black] students the ability to continue their education with little to no out-of-pocket money. Students have to come from families with a household income of less than X amount of money, depending on the amount of members. This sounds great.

What happens at Rowan University, from what I've come to understand, is that students who have not been able to maintain a respectable GPA for various "under-privileged" reasons, are invited to take a 5 week course at the school which allows these kids to gain admittance in the fall.

Rowan University lays about 10 minutes south of Camden which, as well all know, isn't the safest of cities. "Based on statistics reported to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Camden was the third-most dangerous city in the United States during 2002, and has been ranked the nation's most dangerous city in 2004 and 2005.^{[citation needed]} "Most dangerous city" is based on crime statistics in six categories: murder, rape, robbery, aggravated assault, burglary, and auto theft.", to be exact.

So, to initiate a little reader-thinking, where does one assume most of these under-privileged students come from? I would say... Camden.

Are these Camden schools so difficult to succeed in that these students who so badly want to go to college cannot get a high enough GPA to be accepted to Rowan University? I didn't know that Harvard was so close. To me, it would appear that these crime-ridden students who probably couldn't be accepted to Camden County College take these courses at Rowan and BAM. A really great school to have under your belt! I spent four years of high school working towards my 3.6 GPA, which got me where? It got me on the waiting list for Rowan University. What's the problem with this? This is bullshit. And this not only unfair to students who've worked hard to get into Rowan, but it's dangerous. These students are being raped, jumped, robbed and killed by these hostile students and it's got to stop.

I am goddamn sick of having to monitor what I want to say because someone will misinterpret it. I have some really amazing black friends who work hard for what they want and they get it, which is what anyone of any race should do. The president of my graduating class was a black female who never had a single violent bone in her body. I guess it's just the fact that these low-income cities are just populated with low-income black families and these kids are raised listening to SHIT that condones and encourages violence, infidelity and drug use and emphasizes the overwhelming importance of money. What good could possibly come from subjecting any ears to this horse shit? Aside from the realization of how personally better you are than the morons that created it, nothing. We all have the sense of right or wrong, we can choose to be good or bad and we've got this beautiful, innate ability to decide what you want to make of yourself. If you're weak enough to be a subject of your environment, you don't deserve the ability to be around and hurt those who chose to make something more of themselves. Sure, theres a lot of morons of my race who I'm equally ashamed. But these Rowan trends.. I don't know where to take it from here.

feel free to let your thought's be heard.