what do I do when I realize that I'm ready to leave my old life behind- pick up, move and settle down?

how do I support myself when I can't pay for childcare for my son so I can work?

how do I fix basic incompatibilities with my baby's father? talking? is there anything I haven't said already?

how can I truly love my partner when I can't convince myself to trust him?

what do I do when I become almost certain that the man I have a child with is not the man I'm supposed to end up with?

how do I get un-stuck?

Just to clarify:

In the past, I've caught myself saying "My life would be perfect if I fell in love with another man and Nolan came along a few years down the road."

Today's the day that I remind myself of a few things. If I fell in love with another man and we had a baby, he could've left me. Even if he stayed, he could've been a terrible father. Any number of things could have gone wrong.

Today's the day that I remind myself that if Nolan happened 5 years later, he wouldn't be my Nolan. It would be a different sperm. Meeting a different egg. If I got pregnant at any other time in my life, other an May 21st, 2009, my baby would still be my baby. But he wouldn't be my Nolan. No other man could've given me my Nolan.

I'm one of the luckiest women in the entire world. I have a partner that stayed by my side. I have a partner that supports me. Nolan has a terrific father. And we, as parents, have the most beautiful, amazing baby in the world. Instead of complaining about anything, I should thank God for blessing me in such a way- a way that so many people will never understand.

I love my family. You are the best part of me.

Dear god, I'm trying hard to reach you. Dear god, I see your face in all I do. Sometimes it's so hard to believe in, good god, I know you have your reasons. Dear god, I see you move the mountains. Dear god, I see you moving trees. Sometimes it's nothing to believe in, sometimes it's everything I see.

Well I've been thinking about, and I've been breaking it down without an answer. I know I'm thinking aloud but if your loves still around why do we suffer? Why do we suffer?

Dear god, I wish that I could touch you. How strange, sometimes I feel I almost do. And then I'm back behind the glass again. Oh god, what keeps you out it keeps me in.

If I only speak when spoken to, I'll never say another word. If I need to feel reassured of my beauty, I'll be waiting forever (it's been 3 weeks and 3 days). If I need help, I need to learn to help myself. If I need physical intimacy, I should know better by now.

If I feel unsure or sad about where my life is going, I need to get over it already.

I'm dying for a little romance.

Jesus don't love me. No one ever carried my load. I'm too young to feel this old.

Last night, we were watching Everybody Loves Raymond. Someone on the show had mentioned that a couple should never go to sleep angry. I looked at Steve and said "Let's never go to sleep angry again". Amy chimed in "You two go to sleep mad!?" and Steve said "We go to sleep angry every night" and I agreed. So again, I said "Let's promise to never go to sleep angry again" while holding my hand out.

Steve said:

"No. I don't want to have to stay up with you until 4:30 when I have work in the morning".



This is why things will never be good.